Having a child with an intellectual disability often poses a crisis of childhood prolonged. Do you treat your child like their chronological age or their assumed mental age? “Mental Age Theory” was coined by the same man that created the Intelligent Quotient (IQ) test and compares a child’s physical age with their intellectual or emotional performance. Proponents argue that it’s a useful tool to determine what a person can or cannot accomplish. Many within the disability community disagree, arguing that this thinking denies individuals’ right to an adult life, and ignores the idea of least dangerous assumption. We don’t know what’s possible, for anyone!
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Parenting a child with an intellectual disability often presents a much more gray area than a simple for or against the “mental age” theory. I want my son with Down syndrome to learn the same content as his typically developing twin brother. I want him to participate in age-appropriate activities and understand common cultural references. But he should also have the power to choose how he wants to spend his free time. For example, he really likes Paw Patrol and the talking Elmo doll. I know from my typical son’s activities that these choices aren’t necessarily age appropriate. Do I allow him free choice? The answer is YES, balanced with some intentional exposure to new activities as well.
My son with Down syndrome is very persistent about getting his daily dose of talking Elmo doll or some other toddler show or toy. But an opportunity presented itself. I waited until we moved across country and got rid of many of my kids’ toys, including some of those toddler toys. I soon learned that he was fine with age-appropriate shows and toys most of the time. He has forgotten about Elmo. Now he obsessively sings the opener to Super Why and wants to beat his brother in a round of Checkers. He’s moved on, because I pushed him to experience the next age-appropriate activities.
It’s important to note that I still give my son free choice in his desired activities. For example, he used his birthday money to choose a singing Mickey doll. He loves it! It was his choice. The problem is not with free choice, but presuming that they should only be exposed to activities at their mental age. My son often needs some intentional exploration of new age-appropriate activities to really start enjoying them. That does not mean that I force him to give up all of his desired activities. It can be both ways!
I’m hyper sensitive to this and other age-appropriate behaviors and activities. I want to balance my son’s right to choose his highly desirable activities with my desire to ensure he’s exposed to the same things as his classmates. And I think it’s just that: exposure. When I see adults with developmental delays still watching Barney or reading Dr. Seuss I have to think that may be they’ve been given no other choice. It could be their free choice, but it could also be that they’ve never been intentionally exposed to anything else. It’s a hard balance though: the desired activity versus the exposure to new age-appropriate activities.
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It’s so important that all people are exposed to age-appropriate, culturally relevant content at their cognitive level. If they still choose to partake in kiddie activities that’s cool too. But when a person is never given the opportunity to learn about Shakespeare or algebra or politics or sports that’s a problem. How can we expect our loved ones with developmental disabilities to be active members of their community and carry on a conversation about things that most people understand. They don’t have to know everything about everything, but how can we expect our loved ones to be included if they’re only exposed to toddler activities?
What’s your take? Do you struggle with this? Comment below.