I feel alone.
Are my hands sweating?
They’re never going to go for my request.
I wish I would have brought someone with me.
I want to vomit.
Let’s just get this over with!
This was me in some of my son’s first IEP meetings in preschool, but it really could be anyone. I have friends who text me before going into their child’s IEP meeting and the commentary is the same. Fear and loathing!
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I’ve never been a very confrontational person. I want everyone to just get along. To this day I still sometimes shake my head “yes” to decisions made in my own son’s IEP meetings, while inside I’m thinking “This doesn’t sound right!” Then I get home and I realize “it’s not right!”…then I really freak out. My husband gets the brunt of this freak out session. Poor guy! I mean, I really go bonkers. Then I get angry.
I was sick of feeling this way, which is one reason I decided to complete the Council of Parent Attorneys and Advocates year-long Special Education Training. I knew I was supposed to be an equal member of the IEP team, but always felt like the school personnel had the upper hand. They’re in charge of the evaluations, the initial draft, and they ran the meeting.
The COPAA SEAT course gave me the legal expertise to know that it didn’t have to be this way. If I disagree with the school’s evaluation, I can request an independent educational evaluation (IEE) at school expense. I could offer my own “draft” of the IEP with my ideas for present levels, IEP goals, and accommodations. I could ask for a draft before the meeting. I could also provide my own agenda for the meeting. And the IEP document can ALWAYS be changed, even after the meeting.
All of this went a long way in quelling some of my fears, but that emotional charge of walking into your own child’s IEP meeting never quite goes away. That’s why I started speaking about my fears for my son.
You’ve probably heard of “speaking truth to power,” or a non-violent way of fighting back against corrupt governments. This is similar, even if the school is well-meaning and not corrupt. It may seem counterintuitive, but speaking your fears can actually expose what may be wrong or challenging about your child’s situation in a real and authentic way. Get it out and be done with those fears. What are your fears for your child? SAY THEM OUT LOUD! WRITE THEM DOWN!
Read Related Post: Advocate Like a Mother
I fear my son will be mistreated and I will never know, because he can’t tell me.
I fear my son will be separated from his twin brother and other peers, because he has a cognitive disability.
I fear that he will be left in a general education classroom without the supports he needs.
I fear that behaviors that are a manifestation of his disability will be used to segregate him.
I fear, I fear, I fear!
SAY IT OUT LOUD! WRITE IT DOWN!
Then, here’s the clincher…..
Say them to the IEP team. I know!!! It’s super scary, but it’s also revolutionary!!! If you’re like the old me you can also just write them down and present them in an agenda at the meeting. Speaking our fears is one of the most powerful ways to overcome them; to ensure our worst fears for our children never happen. Instead, solutions to your fears take center stage at the IEP table.
Most teachers and principals are in education for the right reasons. They really care about our kids. They want what’s best for them. If we speak our fears to them it really sets the stage for an open relationship that’s focused on what’s best for the child. Sometimes being vulnerable, speaking your fears, is the most powerful tactic you can take!